MsCs: a slice of opinion

Saturday, February 04, 2006

a slice of opinion Category: Life ok, here's the sitch. (eh eh, a little kimpossible reference, eh eh?) I got a haircut. I look fourteen. Less trashy, but also fourteen. oh, and by the way, I don't know why I haven't written about this sooner, but the other night I almost got hit by a cherry pie that fell from the sky. Now if God was up there slinging pies I would have taken it as an omen, to maybe clean up my act or... actually, I'm not quite sure what kind of message you should get out of God pelting you with a cherry pie. I mean, blueberry is a no-brainer but there is something mysterious about cherries. Anyway, Doyle, Chris, Emily and I were all standing outside of McCabe talking when the event occurred. We were deeply immerged in drunken casual conversation when the pie smashed into the ground about three inches from Emily. Doyle and I thought it was hilarious (Doyle gave his patented A HAHA laugh). Emily on the other hand became furious and started stomping around attempting to show her discontent with the entire act of wasting food but coming off as taking part in some sort of gazelle mating ritual*. It was then that we found that God had not been attempting to end our sinful existences but rather it was a room full of tools, probably drunk, throwing fucking pies out the window at three in the morning. Even though we could not see the people who had tried to assault us with dessert**, I was still able to make all of the following presumptions about their personality and situation by the first two words they spoke. "Fuck You". Fuck you. Fuck you is the entire tool nation's motto. They live by the fuck you, they breathe the fuck you, they bathe in fuck you, they eat fuck you, they believe in fuck you, and they worship fuck you. This following excerpt was taken from the National Guild of Tools' handbook: (p. 34) The Ancient Craft of Winning a Verbal Confrontation: When a bitch is getting all up in your face and he's trying to get you all fired up so that you can...talk and bitch, you and he and AHHHHHH FUCK YOU. Take the guidelines that have been passed down between generations of tool to generation of tool: 1. call him a fag 2. if he isn’t wearing Abercrombie & Fitch, mock his fashion sense 3. create a quick 1-2 line story where you are the subject, "fucked" is the verb and someone close to your opponent is the direct object 4. if the first three didn’t work say Fuck You 5. repeat step 4 6. repeat step 4... or 5 7. repeat step 4-6 8. punch them. I don't know about you, but in my personal opinion a fuck you is like a white flag. It’s a fallback plan, its safe, but its very pussiotic. I tend to be more hurt by something personal or which the other person came up with, especially if it’s clever. There is nothing more frustrating than being beaten by intelligent banter. I think we are just in the transitional period of putdowns, fuck you will soon be holding hands with your-mom-jokes and reliving the glory days as they sit around the figurative barrel fire and listen to stories from i-know-you-are-but-what-am-i. Hopefully nigger will join them; the only thing keeping that from fading into nonexistence is the black culture holding it above our heads as if it’s their holy grail. Nigger had a negative meaning in the times of slavery and oppression but now, blacks take this hurtful word of their past and use it in everyday conversation, a lot! I asked a black friend why they do this and he explained that, "blacks aren’t using it the same way white people do. By calling someone my nigger its like, man, I know what you've been through; i've been through the same shit."pause. He said this while checking something on his razr. "We're brothers, because we have so much in common, we come from the same hard past, and nigger puts all of that emotion into one word, nigger" I feel like Sister Bear in that Bearnstein Bears Book, "No Girls Allowed". Apparently I have yet to feel enough pain to casually and excessively sling around the word nigger. Let it die. ...in other news, penis-size-jokes are a bull market *I actually don’t know what the gazelle mating ritual looks like, I just assumed that it might look something like how Emily was walking **The way you remember the difference in spelling between desert (sand) and dessert (pie) is that there are two "s"s in dessert (cake), because you always want more of it.